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A journalist with some light shtick will never be as culturally valuable as a professional joke-meister with a setup, a punchline, a rim shot, and a gig at Chuckles to promote. Besides, stand-up comedians sitting down are the new navy blue.
You don’t tell them what to do, honey, not when they’ve owned your ass since you first agreed to talk about KELLI RIPA for free. After doing dozens of shows for a certain channel, I asked them to put me on their highest-rated program and was greeted with polite silence. Don’t count on any special star privileges.
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But it took me a full year to get the dough-and even longer to get over the arctic chill I felt from that channel afterward.Ģ. Once, a producer did amazingly offer me a few bucks for an interview and I was thrilled to the point of paralysis. I tell you this for one simple reason: They won’t pay! You’re not really a whore, it turns out, you’re a slutty volunteer, serving complimentary love bites instead of $10 toothy blowjobs. Well, now that you’re ready to sparkle till your head explodes, I can tell you-as pithily as possible-what you shouldn’t do in your quest for pop-culture trash dominance.ġ. To keep viewers locked in, cable channels strain to be continually lively, zingy, and full of natural enthusiasm, so bring on the meds, flash those molars, and keep your pupils dilated, kid! (But be mildly sardonic and, most of all, be yourself.) “) Oh, and-like an aging chorus girl on the verge of extinction-you must stay perky the entire friggin’ hour they’re interviewing you because otherwise, the one bite they use might be the one where you come off like Debbie Downer, and that would be death. Not long ago-if I can get human again-I told you what a soundbite whore must do in order to become cable omnipresent ( La Dolce Musto, July 18, 2003): Speak concisely and pithily, don’t pause, and make sure to incorporate the question into the answer. And when friends chat me up, I hardly respond except in prepackaged soundbites: “How am I? Well, I’m fine, but not as thriving as PARIS HILTON, who comes alive on a red carpet, which in turn comes alive with her on it! Yes, she’s famous for doing nothing, but she’s managed to parlay that ‘it girl’ notoriety into something more substantial-if you call a reality show substantial, that is. I won’t even talk to my mother because she’s almost never accompanied by a crew.
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